Home » Poetry & Prose in a Pot, The Sunday Column

Guidelines for Overcooked Rice

30 January 2011 Posted by One Comment

If I get drunk, come home, and slap my wife for overcooking the rice… that’s pretty despicable. No?

If I am going to slap her, I should do it when she deserves a slap, not overcooked rice. That’s just ugly despicable. Not even pretty.

So what would she need to do to deserve a slap, a kick, a punch in the mouth? Surely we need to develop some clear guidelines on this. We need to form a task force, appoint committees, and employ consultants. People with experience in the field. People who have abused their other halves and quarters and one eighths; those who have watched the abuse from under the bed and listened to shouts, screams and whimperings cowering out through key holes and thin porous walls; and of course, the abused, the victims, the sufferers, the stayers, the nowhere to goers, the I love him soers.  They must all be a part of this process.

For example, overcooking the rice should be no more than a verbal reprimand. But what if she does it twice? What if she cooks it like that a third time? What if she doesn’t know how to cook it any other way, why will she learn without a smack or two? What if she cooks it that way just to piss you off, because she’s learnt how you don’t like it? Deserves a fucking a kick not a slap. Cheek! We need all these different perspectives to mingle if we’re to try and emerge with a credible set of guidelines.

We also need to include what qualifies as physical abuse. Very important. If I accidentally hit her when I am angry, without meaning to, that doesn’t count. To further qualify, she should either not have been within range of my flailing arms, violently chucked missile (e.g. mobile phone) or had the good sense to move out of arm’s reach, duck, run if necessary, because she should know my moods by now.  Also, is a push really physical abuse? Really? I mean, if she falls and cuts her head, or bruises her funny bone, I mean, surely that is an accident too? It can happen with a very gentle push. Gentle pushes to substantiate a point, must surely be allowed.  No?

And what about the gripped-wrist-vice? We can’t outlaw the gripped-wrist-vice. The gripped-wrist-vice is essential for those moments in a crowd or a group when you need to communicate displeasure without making it too obvious, although it sometimes becomes very obvious if words and frowns enter the fray not to mention if she tries to struggle out of the gripped-wrist-vice… that’s a no-no. I mean sometimes it is prudent to let her go, because the delayed retribution will more than make up for the embarrassment of being insulted like that by her. I mean, I don’t think anyone would argue that she deserves, at the very least, one tight slap when she comes home. On occasion, depending on her sin, and depending on the crowd/group, one tight slap then and there is permissible. Especially if she’s been a whore and sat next to the boy/man you told her not to sit next to. She knows you don’t like it. You’ve talked about it. They always want to talk, but they never want to fucking listen. No, seriously, we need to qualify what physical abuse is, and how it can be permitted in certain contexts. Crucial. Tradition and culture is very important to us.

And what the fuck is this verbal abuse nonsense? I mean do we really to dwell on it in our guidelines for overcooked rice? What’s wrong with a little healthy venting. Bitch, whore, cunt, are all part of modern day parlance. Fucking bitch/whore/cunt is also fine, fucking is just a common adjective. Seriously, I think people who talk about “verbal abuse” are the same people who talk about the clitorist. Fucking gay to talk about clitorists man.  What the fuck is a clitorist? Also, we must not forget that the bitch/whore/cunt enjoys a bit of repartee. She gets to call me a bastard at least three times before I hit her, and she can say fucking bastard, twice! Twice! Really, I only hit her if she says it a third time, a third time shows no respect, and she needs to be reminded of that. Anyway, let’s ensure that nothing on harmless verbal abuse gets entered in to our guidelines for overcooked rice.

Right, so if we’re all agreed, when shall we have the first task force meeting? And who shall we ask to join? We need to ensure that we have representatives from the private sector, civil society, government and of course, our target group; women, girls, boys, girls who aren’t sure there are girls, boy who aren’t sure they are boys, and everyone else that would need our guidelines for overcooked rice.

Let me know.

Signed,

AnyonecanbeagoodLankanMan

One Comment »

  • Dedunie de Silva said:

    Ha ha.. Bloody Brilliant!! I’m in…!!!

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